You're Dying to Know, I Can Tell.

What happened on dancing with the stars this week?

Well, during every show our host Tom praises the band and its leader and has the audience applaud them in particular, and every time he does it I wonder if he is just trying to convince himself ( that whole “attitudes follow behavior” thing). I’m not really qualified to comment on the skill level of the musicians, but they sound technically fine. It’s their taste I question: their choices in arrangements and singing styles frequently wander over the border from the land of questionable to the abyss of atrocious.

Exhibit A: Kristi danced to a distractingly terrible tango-tempo version of Duran Duran’s “Rio,” complete with synthesizer and a quasi-jazzy singing. It evidently drove Mark crazy enough to make strange fishy faces like he was headed to the top of the tank to get swallow some of those shiny flakes.

Exhibit B: Poor Mario got his lowest score on a disappointing performance of a tango to an operatic, flat tenor rendition of “Roxanne.” Not even The Police are spared this vicious musical mutilation. Is nothing sacred? Being a musical man himself, Mario might have known ahead of time that this was going to ruin his mojo, and that’s why he kept pointing out how little time he had to practice—just trying to soften the blow by lowering our expectations. He still comes across as such a good sport, and it’s great PR for his music. He is such a gentleman, not even making a stink about the fact that he and Marlee were inappropriately given the same score of 21 that Steven and Adam got.

The judges claim Adam is improving. I agree he is getting better, but is he getting better at dancing or at distracting us from his inability to dance? By the by, just who are all these people voting for him? Who watches “The Man Show” and then votes on “Dancing with the Stars”? I just can’t pin down that demographic. He did crack me up last night, though. He’s willing to admit he’s terrible, and his comments are hilariously inappropriate (e.g. telling the giddily just-spared Marisa the he and she will share the electric chair the following week).

At the other end of the optimism spectrum, we have Steve, the most positive guy on the show, possibly the planet, who should win just for being such a straight-up nice guy. His “I’m pretending to be mean” face was hilarious during his tango Monday with Anna and Tuesday with Jonathan. (I am ready to admit I have a crush on Jonathan, the way we get crushes on gay boys, or gay-straight boys, as the case may be.) Steve who took up airtime after his dance on Tuesday to praise the costume designer; whose first move when he got sent off the show was not to grab the mike, but to hug all the contestants and shake hands with all the judges.

Could someone please marry this man? Or put him in a movie? Time for a “15 Years Later” sequel to Three Men and a Baby. 3 fathers + 1 teenage daughter=a good dose of wholesome hilarity. Has anyone seen Tom Selleck since his brilliant stint on “Friends”? Ted Danson could probably use some cash as well. Lindsay Lohan could play the teenager. Then Steve could take her under his wing and shower her with his messages of love and hope and puppies and butterflies. Does anyone know a Hollywood producer? Or a Hollywood adoption agency?

Ahem. Pardon the digression.

Cristian. What can I say about Cristian? While watching him dance Monday night, I wrote that he was “not much of a russuuabn”. Loosely translated, that means his energy was better, but a 25 was a little high for the technical quality of the dance.

Shannon was adorable and really threw herself into it. Other than sneaking a few looks at Derek for her cues, she did great, and I think she deserved the good scores and comments she received.

Tony seems to be getting nicer; poor Marisa, though, got worse this week. She just wasn’t putting much into it. Maybe she was concentrating too much on her steps to give it the pizzaz it needs, or maybe the girl just doesn’t have the what I so desperately want her to have.

Len is such a ntujob. He pretends to be tough, but then he praises the narrative of Priscilla’s tango, noting how she gave Louis “ a quick flip up the codpiece”. Don’t tell me British people talk like that. Len talks like that. I think he’s his from his own little country, somewhere between Wales and kooky-dom.

I fully agree that Priscilla was wonderfully communicative—funnily enough—in her facial expressions. From the waist up she looked perfect, good enough to draw attention away from her legs not being quite as sharp as they could be.

Last week Jason’s score was a little inflated, and I thought his 23 was a little high this week. Their jive was a little slow and ponderous, and he kept looking at his feet. He’s a little like Priscilla—great from the waist up, if you don’t count his looking down at his feet. He does have great arms. Edyta has great everything, as I and 5 million Americans know. This week she was pretty much naked except for all the make-up. Seriously, I think she danced without clothes, and the editors just came back and painted clothes over the important bits for the on-air broadcast. (No the audience didn’t blink—it’s Hollywood-naked young women are as ubiquitous as Starbucks).
Marlee remains infectiously charming, but her dance was missing a little oomph. Like Mario, though, she was, technically speaking, clearly better than Adam and Steve.

So if the nice guy left this week, will it be the nice girl’s turn next week? Or will Marisa get over her inhibitions and bring it all to the table next week? Will Edyta and Julianne be fined by the FCC for obscenity? Tune in next week.