Dancing With the Stars, March 24 & 25

A note to readers: if you watch Dancing With The Stars, I hope my regular commentary throughout the competition enhances your viewing experience. If you would rather listen to yet another expert’s attempts to explain in lay terms the conditions of J.P. Morgan’s purchase of Bear Sterns, well, bookmark the Wall Street Journal on your web browser and come back here in a few months. I may have other things to say before the end of the competition, but you’ll have to sift through my notes on my favorite show of the moment.

I wrote this as I watched, so think of it more as a running commentary than a cohesive summary. Some of it is in the past tense and some in the present tense. I know that, and it bothers me too, but I need to post this before the next show comes on tonight, so put away that red pencil and suck it up.

In waiting a week to write about the show last time, I made a big boo-boo and forgot to mention my favorite competitor: Marlee Matlin. She has long been a beloved actress in my book; doing more than justice to Aaron Sorkin’s terrific scripts as a regular guest on The West Wing. It turns out the woman can MOVE, and she is even hotter on “Dancing” than she was as Joey Lucas.

Here’s my take on Monday night’s show:

Steve, again, looked like he was having a great time, though his steps were not very fluid. The mambo seemed a bit slowed down for his skill level, but what he lacks in grace, he really makes up for in likeability. He would be unbearably cheesy if he weren’t so sincere about believing that the show really does make the world a better place.
The judges were a bit harsh on him, I thought. Really, a 16? To bad his partner Anna is so annoying. Her protestations to the judges are less than charming.

Cristian can move his hips, but not as skilled as Mario. I do think he and Mario are head and shoulders above the other the men. He was clearly not as comfortable in this ballroom dance as heddd was with the Latin dance. His footwork seemed imprecise, but his posture was definitely better. But then, maybe he was a bit distracted by Cheryl’s missing one side of her skirt. This seems to be a common problem on the show---the women’s seamstress’s work really hard on a costume at first, but they start to get bored with it, knock back a few G and T’s and decide they don’t need that last seam or that extra yard of fabric. Their score of 20 seems fair, maybe more than fair.


Oh, Monica. I want to like you more than I do. You seem so dull, and your dancing is pretty bad. I do like Jonathan quite a bit, thought. Monica’s sort of the opposite of a natural showperson. She is really trying with those shimmies, but it’s just not working.
I don’t know if she really deserved a 15, the absolute lowest score. I don’t think that even the humorously horrible Wayne Newton got a 15. (Do I err? Correct me.) At any rate, it’s all a little unfair. I think it’s a lot easier for the male competitors to fake it than for the women. It stuck out like a sore thumb last week when Marisa part didn’t have much real substance, and I think it’s easier for the men to get away with letting the professional ladies dance around them.
I do like Jonathan quite a bit. He’s a sweetie. I hope he has himself a nice boy or girl to dance with at home.

Here’s Penn, illustrating what I just wrote during the commercial break about Monica. His partner’s just dancing around him, and he’s faking it pretty well. Here come the comments. Wow, he didn’t seem to have as much of a sense of humor as he did last week about taking the criticism. He seemed defensively fake-funny, rather than self-deprecating. NO WAY! He does not deserve two points more than Monica Seles. Q.E.D.

Will Priscilla’s impressive work in the ballroom dance cross over to the Latin round?
(watching)
I’m going to go with “No” on that one. I’m still awfully fond of her, but I thought it really showed that she did not have the sharp leg movements she needed. It needed to be a little looser. Her partner, objectively young and handsome, has got this lecherous old man look on his face that I find frankly creepy.

Shannon: I thought she was wonderful—there were moments when you could not tell who was the professional. She made a few mistakes, as I could see, but she was pretty great. I like her more than I want to, kind of like the opposite of Monica Seles. I am, however, already over the backstory on the whole “self-pity of the genetically gifted.” It wasn’t cute on Jennie Garth, and it isn’t cute on her. I’m really not sympathizing with your lack of self-esteem. Won’t I make a good therapist?

Um, who the hell are the Jonas brothers? They keep saying they’ll be on the show, dropping their name like I’m supposed to know them. Sorry, but I’m way more excited to see Kylie Minogue next week. She is the energizer bunny of the 80’s crossover pop stars. (Not Madonna, no).

Jason and Edyta came on, and I got so excited that Edyta was wearing a skirt! A whole one! Then she turned around. More like a bikini with a tail. And sleeves, sort of. I get it. She’s hot. Now put a muumuu on her, ‘cause I’m over that too.

Once again, I think he faked it a little and let Edyta dance around her. If they give him the same score as Shannon Elizabeth, I think I might be pissed, because he just did not dance as well. 27! (bold=outrage) That’s what Kristi got last week, and I cannot say he danced as well as she did.

Marisa, Cheer up girlfriend! She needs to dance with someone like Jonathan. She deserves a better partner than Tony; I really think he kind of stinks. Oh well. He did give her more to do this week, and I thought she handled it pretty well. She still seems like she just can’t quite get the precision. It’s like she can’t reign in her hyperactivity. I think I want her to be more like Sabrina than she really is. 21 is a fair score for her.

Adam Reminds me of that guy we all know, the one who insists he can’t dance, then gets really drunk at a family wedding and proves his point. He really can’t dance. But he is kinda funny. Did they think if Julianne was naked and streaked her temples with a highlighter we wouldn't noticehis lack of talent? That we’d be so distracted wondering if her non-skirt would give us more information about her personal hygiene than we’d care to know and wouldn’t notice that he’s just really, really bad? 17 is generous.

Whoa, did he really call Carrie Ann a bitch last week?* He can suck it (oops, did I just lose my PG rating?). Now she has to give him a 6 instead of a 5, otherwise he would be justified. Frankly, a 5 last week was too generous, and so is a 6 this week.

Here’s my new plan. I should go on dancing with the stars. I would kick ass! At least, I do in my imagination!

Marlee: WOWOWOW. She is phenomenal. Her footwork seemed fantastic to this amateur judge. All the criticisms were choices her pro partner made—they’re not her fault! 24 seemed like a very fair score.

Kristi did a great routine. Very complicated steps, but I still think she’s got a little work to do. Last season’s best contestants, Mel B and Sabrina, and even sometimes Helio, would be hard to differentiate from the professionals. Kristi is not there yet.

Mario was pretty good, I think not quite as fun to watch as last week but a little more accurate on his footwork from my perspective. He is pretty charming and is taking things well. I didn’t think he was cute until he started dancing. Then he got pretty darn cute. 26! Not bad. I’m not quite sure he deserved such a high score, but, who knows.

Here’s how I’m voting tonight:
Steve 3
Priscilla 1
Shannon 2
Marisa 3
Marlee 3

* He did, in fact, mouth the word "bitch" when she gave him his score last week. I watched the clip again online. What a creep

Tuesday March 25, 2008
Yay! Steve has been saved.

Last night I had never heard of the Jonas Brothers. Now I just wish I had never heard them. Oh good gracious, they are terrible. They did their darndest to ruin an 80’s classic with an off-tempo off-key version. (I love this song. I love the video, and I once did a dance to it as a cheerleader—yes, you read that right, you wanna make somethin’ of it?) So they can’t sing, they can’t play instruments, they seem unattractive to me (though I suppose that’s okay, since I’m an old married lady and they can’t even drive, so it would be kind icky if I thought they were cute.) I think I’m drifting off into doddering old lady land, talking about these young hoodlums with crazy clothes that don’t even fit properly, making music that just sounds like noise.

I really can’t stand watching this whole hour. I could do without all the fluff, I have to say, and the drawing out of the elimination, but I guess that’s par for the course on any competitive reality show.

I’m sorry Penn was voted off, because he really is pretty funny, and a lot less of a sore loser than Adam Carolla. Maybe I’ve just pent up all this anger against Adam Carolla for all the jerky sexist stuff he’s been doing since I remember him existing.

This big fancy Macy’s dance, I thought that was going to be the contestants working with a pro choreographer. It kinda ruins the vibe of the show to see a bunch of professionals dancing around and hanging from the ceiling, especially not to a Meatloaf song that I had the good sense to hate the first time around, at age 11. They did some amazing stuff, sure, and I would love to go see Cirque de Soleil sometime, but this is just not what I watch the show for. I watch it because it makes me want to dance, and this kind of thing gives me no desire to get out on the floor and get hung from a wire cage by my toenails.

Then the Jonas Brothers came back on, I definitely heard (and saw) high-pitched screaming from women who were well into puberty when these boys were born. I mean, I understand having a thing for a college age cutie like Zac Efron, (not that I do, or anything, nothing like that, oh no) but these guys can’t sing, can’t play, and apparently can’t write, either. Who is buying this music and making it go platinum? They’re like Hanson minus the catchy.

Shannon is winning me over bit by bit. I have to admit it. Derek thinks he’s gonna hit that. Derek, you’re cute, but in a best-friend’s-off-limits-little-brother kind of way. Honey, I don’t think it’s happening. Go find some college girls.

Finally, the results: Monica was a no-brainer. I would have rather seen Adam leave the show than Penn, but hopefully Adam will get voted off next week.

Guilty Pleasure: Part 1 of a zillion

Last season I got hooked on Dancing With the Stars, and I developed plenty of opinions about it. Nobody else I know watches the show, so I had to keep all these opinions to myself. I don’t like doing that. So this season I’m posting them on my blog! Lucky you!

Marisa Jaret Winokur is absolutely adorable. She is even bubblier than Sabrina last season and, like Sabrina, has not an ounce of fakeness to temper her enthusiasm for dancing. She doesn’t have Sabrina’s natural talent, but it was hard to tell, since her partner mostly just danced circles around her and gave her a few moves that involved wiggling her fingers. Oh, Tony, she’s not going to explode you let her twirl around a few times! (Last season he danced with Jane Seymour, who was a fine dancer but an uptight, ungracious competitor.) In one of the most unfair aspects of the judging, Marisa’s score was reduced for lack of content, which was not her fault. Even the lack of actual moves did not justify Len (a gentler version of Simon Cowell’s moodily critical British head judge) giving her the same score as Penn Jillette.

In Penn’s support, he did throw himself un-self-consciously (and literally) into the routine, and he gets props for going for the gold that way. I enjoy him as a magician, disagree with his politics, and appreciate that his lack of talent didn’t temper his enthusiasm. Still, go to abc.com and watch the 2-minute clips of their dances (Penn from Monday night 3/17 and Marisa from Tuesday night 3/18) and tell me if they honestly deserved similar scores. Marisa scored 2 points higher overall, thanks to the other judges not being on crack.

Priscilla Presley had been coming across as snotty and stiff in the previews, and her lack of enthusiasm seemed to be more than just the consequences of her membership in the Doctors-Say-Yes-Cosmetic-Procedure-of-the-Month Club. It turns out she’s actually rather shy and was quite nervous about the competition. I understand that much of the persona projected backstage can be affected by editing, but I still kinda like her in spite of my early prejudices. She also danced very gracefully.

I thought Christian should have gotten better marks for his footwork, but I agree his posture was not the best, and I suppose that’s why they have professionals to judge these finer points.

Steve Guttenberg may win my support just by being so disarmingly enthusiastic about being on the show.

Kristi and Mario, the judges’ favorites, danced very well, but they haven’t won me over yet.

I’ll have more to say after tonight’s competition. Feel free to reply with your impressions of the show.

Good food

In addition to being my favorite magazine, Real Simple has a great (free) website with a searchable database of recipes. I tweaked this one slightly and ended up with something delicious.*

I added a thinly sliced green pepper and used whole wheat angel hair for the noodles.

I also have a lot of free time on my hands right now, so for an extra-savory-mushroomy soup I removed the shiitake stems in the morning and made stock out of them. I sautéed onion, celery and carrot in olive oil, added the chopped stems, 6 cups of water and a good dose of salt and pepper and boiled for a little while. Don’t be shy with the salt.

Plain vegetable stock would probably work fine, although I’d cut out some of the soy sauce since commercial stock tends to be so salty.

*I have made plenty of their recipes without tweaking and still had delicious results.

The Truth Ain't Pretty

I was all set to berate my sister-in-law to for not updating her website. It’s been over a week! I mean, gosh, the nerve of her. Then I remembered my own sad and lonely blog, languishing away in a forgotten corner of the, uh, wherever the internet is. I can’t quite wrap my brain around that one.

Gentle reader, I assure you: I would write, but it takes so much time to get ready. To explain, I must take you into the mind of an amateur writer and near-professional procrastinator, and it’s not pretty. I am about to expose you to the shocking, seedy underbelly of the writing process. It might be uglier than sausage-making. The following is not for the faint of heart.

You see, before I write, I must:
Use the bathroom. Wash my hands. Stretch. Feed the cats. Drink a glass of water. Have a snack. Use the bathroom again. Wash all the dishes in the sink, as well as a few suspect ones from the cabinet. Straighten my desk. Sharpen my pencil. Check the typewriter ribbon. Charge the laptop. Straighten the office. Sit back down at the desk.

I’m ready to buckle down and get to it now. Here’s what typically happens next:

I begin on the typewriter, but I realize the humidity is making the keys stick, so I switch to pencil and paper. I quickly decide pen would be better. I start to hunt for the nice inky writing pen. I look under the bed, notice the dustbunnies, and vacuum under the bed. I vacuum the rest of the apartment, then figure that I might as well mop the bathroom while I’m at it. I finally find the pen in the silverware drawer, along with a knife I borrowed from the neighbors. I knock on their door and have a nice little visit before returning home. I’ve lost the pen again. I find it on the desk, but can’t find the paper. I decide to use the computer, since I can type faster than I can write (well, faster than I can write legibly). I turn on the computer, run the virus scan program, and check my e-mail. I go to the bathroom. I open a text document.

I engage in a vigorous staring contest with the computer.

I lose. I get up and stretch.

I feel truly ready to write now. I just need a little inspiration; perhaps I’ll just consult a few other websites. I’ll start out with hip, intelligent sites like Slate magazine, perhaps, then switch to a select few highly literary blogs. I’ll come up for air 3 hours later, cross-eyed and sluggish, somehow having ended up on the site of Germany’s answer to UsWeekly. I am useless. I can’t look at a computer screen anymore, much less write something witty. Oh dear. Now, friends, we arrive at the real reason that I do not write. What if it doesn’t come out very witty? What if my mother is the only who reads it? I might not boggle your mind! I aim to boggle your mind at every turn. I’ve hit the nail on the head here. That’s it. That's why I never get around to writing.

Well, that and Facebook.