What to Say

Things to say to me right now:

1)You look adorable.

Very cute, lovely, beautiful, resplendent—all acceptable adjectives. Props to my local friends who have been telling me this a lot. Please continue, because I feel like an awkward cow.

2)What can I do for you right now?

Then be ready to follow through with whatever my response is, whether it is to pick me up a Slurpee, let me vent to you, or move some furniture.

3) Babies with longer gestational periods are usually very smart and well-behaved.

I am completely okay with you telling me this kind of lie.

Things not to say to me right now:

1)You still haven’t had that baby yet?

Completely unacceptable, unless you are legally blind. Even then, it’s borderline.

2) When is your due date?

Alright, you can ask my due date, but don’t suddenly act like that is when the baby is going to come. If you are 10 years old this is an acceptable understanding of what a due date is. If you are over 18 you should know better. If you don’t know better, let me break it down for you: the due date is an estimate. Though my baby is VERY advanced, she/he cannot read a calendar (plus, it’s dark in there). The sole purpose of the due date is to anchor the FIVE-WEEK-PERIOD around which it is considered normal and healthy to have a baby. So please don’t tell me I only have six days left. I might have a baby tomorrow, or in 20 days.

3) Sleep now; you won't be able to when the baby comes.

Trust that this thought has occurred to me, and I am sleeping as much as any awkward cow in a human bed.